?

Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile Previous Previous Next Next
SPN Fanfic: The Absence of Water - CaffieneKittySpace
('i' before 'e' if you're looking for me)
caffienekitty
caffienekitty
SPN Fanfic: The Absence of Water
Title: The Absence of Water
Characters: Sam (introspective)
Rating/Warnings: Spoilers for 5.16. GEN, PG. Meta-ish, maudlin and not everyone may agree with the assertions regarding characters. I'm not sure about them either.
Word Count: 470-ish
Disclaimer: Not mine, no ownership claimed.
Summary: An episode tag for 5.16, just like everyone else is writing.
A/N: Damn thing ambushed me during the day. May be edited later. Not that happy with it. [LJ-only]



-
The Absence of Water
by CaffieneKitty
-



Sam stood in the hotel room and stared at the closed door between him and his brother. The clunk of the pendant hitting the bottom of the trash can had been louder than any gunshot, and hurt more.

He couldn't control what he'd experienced in Heaven, any more than Dean could. Heaven showed Sam's best memories as being time spent with other people's families, of leaving, of being alone. Why? There were lots of good memories with Dean, with Dad too. Why hadn't they turned up?

That Thanksgiving dinner, Dean had driven him to the house and would pick him up after. Sam had snagged a turkey leg and a piece of pie for him. Being alone in Flagstaff, Sam had known if he couldn't handle it he could go back; Dean would probably tear a strip off him for leaving, but he would be there. Stanford... he'd known that Dean wasn't the one telling him not to come back. That if he came back, wherever Dad and Dean were, Dean would welcome him, even if Dad wouldn't.

Dean just... was. All through growing up, more often than not, Dad wasn't there, Dean was. Sam didn't really think of it because it wasn't something he had to think about. Dean was just always there. Like air, or gravity.

A fish never thinks about water.

They spent most of their lives closer than any family, living in ratty apartments and the same ever-changing twelve by sixteen hotel rooms. It was hard to get time alone, time to think. Sam escaped to school and libraries, but he knew Dean would always be there when he went back, smirking about Sam's bookworm habits and offering cold pizza or a bag of nachos.

Sam never doubted Dean would be there until Dean started hunting. He remembered when Dean told him he was going to be a hunter, like Dad. Sam had been twelve. He remembered the feeling of rage, the feeling that Dad was taking his brother from him and putting Dean in danger. It was Dean's choice, and not the first time he'd been hunting, but the feeling was there. Irrational.

When Dean had died and gone to Hell, in the dark scramble of days right after, the thought Sam had shoved away most violently was "How dare Dean leave?" An ugly thought, selfish, rooted in childish solipsism, but in the worst patches of night it rose up and caught him off-guard. The last thought of a fish drowning in the air, angry at the absent water.

Dean was alive now. He was whole. He wasn't in Hell. They were together, a family. It was them against the world. But...

Sam bent and retrieved the pendant from the trash. The metal had dulled from the bright thing he'd given Dean so long ago, worn and pitted. He folded the cord into his hand.

He had to make things right. Somehow.

- - -
(that's all.)

ETA: The more I think about it, the more I'm sure that the fish and water metaphor is subconsciously adapted from something in a book somewhere (possibly one of the Vorkosigans?) *facepalm*

Tags: , , , , ,
Current Location: ...here...
Current Mood: rushed rushed
Current Music: printer going berserk

20 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
embroiderama From: embroiderama Date: April 9th, 2010 12:55 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, Sam. This is lovely, and it makes a lot of sense.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! Just getting to comment responses now.
tigriswolf From: tigriswolf Date: April 9th, 2010 02:13 am (UTC) (Link)
Is there a hint of amnesiac!God!Dean, in there?

Also, I really like the metaphor about fish.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Is there a hint of amnesiac!God!Dean, in there?

One of the great things about fiction is that clues and implications can be interpreted in as many ways as there are readers. ;-)

Also, I really like the metaphor about fish.

It's actually a paraphrasing and extension of something in one of the Vorkosigan Saga books, I think. Kind of a reversal too, becaus iirc in the book it was relating to an abusive situation and this isn't.
deessecharme From: deessecharme Date: April 9th, 2010 04:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh Sam, I hurt so bad for him right now, "A fish never thinks about water", I loved this line, absolutely brilliant!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. The 'fish and water' metaphor is a bit of a reengineering of something I read once in a book. I've added an acknowledgement at the end of the story.
sams1ra From: sams1ra Date: April 9th, 2010 09:49 am (UTC) (Link)
That was lovely.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you :-)
From: spnbratprincess Date: April 9th, 2010 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Dean just... was. All through growing up, more often than not, Dad wasn't there, Dean was. Sam didn't really think of it because it wasn't something he had to think about. Dean was just always there. Like air, or gravity.

A fish never thinks about water."

This is just what I thought about it too. Sam doesn't love Dean any less than Dean loves him, just more sublimely. I've often compared the two of them to Louis and Lestat of the Vampire Chronicles(Sam to Louis and Dean to Lestat)- just because Sam deliberately functions through his emotions, doesn't mean he doesn't have them.

I like the style of this, the simplicity, the repetition of the metaphor and the moving through memories. It suits the rythem of Sam's thoughts.

caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I don't often write Sam POV, so I;m glad this worked.
anniehow From: anniehow Date: April 9th, 2010 09:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Loved the whole fish&water concept.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
That was something I reworked from a book I read once. One of the Vorkosigan books. I've added an acknowledgement.
irismay42 From: irismay42 Date: April 9th, 2010 10:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sam is totally going to have picked up the amulet. Or I'm going to kick him.

Perfect bit of Sam psychoanalysis there. I think you're right too, Sam kind of did take Dean for granted until he wasn't there any more.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's my take on it. *nods*
dendritejungle From: dendritejungle Date: April 9th, 2010 10:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
The fish/water metaphor (simile) is a beautiful and apt one.

You have a lovely lyrical style here, too, which works really well with the sombre, thoughtful tone. Beautifully done.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
The fish/water metaphor (simile) is a beautiful and apt one.

It's actually reworked and extrapolated from a line in one of the Vorkosigan novels I think. I've added acknowledgement at the nottom of the story.

You have a lovely lyrical style here, too, which works really well with the sombre, thoughtful tone. Beautifully done.

Aw, thanks. :-)
samalander_dawn From: samalander_dawn Date: April 9th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
<3
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
\o/
gunznammo2 From: gunznammo2 Date: April 11th, 2010 06:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 15th, 2010 03:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
:-)
20 comments or Leave a comment