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Sherlock Fanfic: Casu Marzu (JWP 2014 #12) - CaffieneKittySpace
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Sherlock Fanfic: Casu Marzu (JWP 2014 #12)
Title: Casu Marzu
Fandom: Sherlock (BBC)
Rating/Content: PG13, dialogue-only, domestic randomness
Warnings: Do not read while eating. MAJOR FOOD SQUICK FACTORS FOR MOST PEOPLE. NASTY NASTY CHEESE. INSECT LARVAE. In case anyone reading thinks I made this stuff up just to be gross, Casu Marzu is an actual cheese that exists. Knowledge of its existence may threaten your future enjoyment of cheese.
Word Count: 500
Disclaimer: Not my world. Definitely not my cheese. :-P
Notes: Written for watsons_woes July Writing Prompt #12: Imported cheese.

Summary: The deadliest cheese in the world, though mostly not literally.


Casu Marzu


"The one thing I require from my food is that it be dead when I'm trying to eat it. Also that it not contain bloody insect larvae."

"Nonsense, Casu Marzu cheese is a Sardinian delicacy-"

"I categorically do not care, Sherlock. I don't want to hear about it and I don't want it in the flat. If you want to eat or experiment on rotting-"

"Oh, but this cheese has gone past rot and into decomposition!"

"...Really not a selling point. As I was saying, if you want to eat it, go eat it somewhere else. I don't even want the vague idea of it ever having been in the fridge."

"You do know that there are three kinds of human internal organs and a jar of severed toes in bleach currently in the fridge."

"Which I also try not to think about. And that's different. They aren't supposed to be food. Cheese is food. Human internal organs, severed toes in bleach and insect larvae aren't food."

"Nonsense."

"Consumption by cannibals does not make something part of the NHS-approved Eatwell Plate, Sherlock."

"Don't be deliberately obtuse, John. Many cultures around the world consume insects of various sorts daily. Insect-farming is even now being suggested as an environmentally sustainable form of protein in most forward-thinking western agricultural circles."

"Yes, fine, true, but not near my food, right? By a good hundred yards. I want no chance at all of any 'cheese larva' getting on my toast.

"I suppose, though that distance is a bit excessive. When the larvae are disturbed or distressed they can only jump up to 15 centimetres."

"...They... they jump? Seriously?"

"Well, not so much 'jump' as launch themselves out of the cheese and-"

"I did not need to know that. I did not need to know that. No maggoty cheese in this flat, Sherlock! Period! End of discussion."

"Hmm."

"...You've already got some in, haven't you."

"It's in that box under the toes. It's legality by EU food hygiene guidelines is doubtful and legally it's not allowed to be sold in the UK so it was a rare, unmissable opportunity-"

"Christ. Right. I'm going."

"What? Where?"

"Somewhere I can shower. I feel like I'm crawling with cheese maggots."

"You can shower here."

"No. No. Because I'm not coming back for at least three hours, and in the time that I'm gone, you will ensure that the maggoty cheese and every single larva from it is entirely gone from the flat. I'm eating nothing that didn't come from a factory-sealed container for the next month."

"There's no need to be dramatic, John. Most of the larvae will be dormant after their time in the fridge, or will have become distressed and jumped out of the cheese and been contained within the box."

"Oh god."

"The mass escape of the larvae does make an almost pleasant sound. Like a hard rain hitting a newspaper."

"...I may avoid cheese for years. And I never want to hear about any of it ever again. Three hours. And don't try getting Mrs Hudson to hide it in her fridge, because I will warn her about it on my way out."

"But-"

"No."

-.-.-
(that's it. I am so sorry.)

Tags: , , , , ,
Current Mood: nauseated nauseated

19 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
tardisjournal From: tardisjournal Date: July 13th, 2014 12:05 am (UTC) (Link)
ROFL! And... wow! That was intense. I didn't know about that kind of cheese and now I kind of wish I could delete things from my memory like Sherlock does. But then I'd have no memory of this wonderful ficlet, so... silver linings? LOL.

John's and Sherlock's voices were spot-on in this!Great job.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 13th, 2014 06:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, I wish I could delete it from my memory too. I saw the prompt, googled for weird cheese, saw that, and hesitated for a few hours before deciding others needed to share my horror.

Glad you enjoyed the story though and glad the voices worked!
ciaranbochna From: ciaranbochna Date: July 13th, 2014 01:59 am (UTC) (Link)
0.0 Well, I may still eat cheese (because my addiction is ingrained), but bloody hell. Out of the flat, indeed..lol
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 13th, 2014 06:35 am (UTC) (Link)
The up side is that that particular type of cheese is so rare and regulated against it's not likely to be randomly encountered anywhere.
capt_facepalm From: capt_facepalm Date: July 13th, 2014 02:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Hahahaha!
All cheese is suspect! Even as a five year old, despite being told otherwise, I knew that the holes in swiss cheese were made by big ugly worms!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 13th, 2014 06:36 am (UTC) (Link)
I thought mice myself, but it could be our cheese had bigger holes.
samalander_dawn From: samalander_dawn Date: July 13th, 2014 06:02 am (UTC) (Link)
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew
very good
but ew ew ew ew ew ew ew
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 13th, 2014 06:40 am (UTC) (Link)
I did warn quite a lot for this because I didn't want anyone to blunder in unwarned, like I did with the wikipedia article. o.O

I hope your general appreciation of cheese is unimpaired?
samalander_dawn From: samalander_dawn Date: July 13th, 2014 04:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
yep! I appreciated the warnings, because they let me skim in non-remembering mode but still read :)
gardnerhill From: gardnerhill Date: July 13th, 2014 08:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Mmmm. Bonus protein!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 13th, 2014 09:11 am (UTC) (Link)
*shudders*
irismay42 From: irismay42 Date: July 13th, 2014 05:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bleeeeeeeeearghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 13th, 2014 11:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know, right?
blackcat333_99 From: blackcat333_99 Date: July 13th, 2014 10:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Lmao! So very Sherlock... and John. Mmm... cheese. :)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 13th, 2014 11:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks!
pompey01 From: pompey01 Date: July 15th, 2014 02:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, I am thoroughly in John's corner on this! Blech blech blech!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: July 15th, 2014 03:54 am (UTC) (Link)
It's a very crowded corner, I think.
monkeybard From: monkeybard Date: January 28th, 2015 12:38 am (UTC) (Link)
How did I miss this tasty morsel (sorry, had to) last July?! Hilarious! I'm especially pleased because, if memory serves, the prompt was one I supplied. Love what you did with it...and I will be checking the brie in my deli sandwich before eating it--just in case.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: January 28th, 2015 03:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes, it was your prompt! I still get shudders now and then because of that cheese. DDDD-:

19 comments or Leave a comment