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SPN Meta: Incoherent Ponderings - CaffieneKittySpace
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SPN Meta: Incoherent Ponderings
Contains Spoilers and Spec for 4.08

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Small Incoherent Meta-like Ponderings on the Differences Between Sam and Dean's Emotional Walls

Sam's kind of... new at this 'walling away emotion' thing. That's not quite what I mean... He's had walls, but he's been relatively emo and forthright in the early seasons, and presumably prior to that. He hasn't had to shove down and repress his emotions as much because Dean was there to help deal with them. Sam's emotional walls are big, spiky, red flashing lights on top and a big neon sign that says "THIS IS MY EMOTIONAL WALL, DO NOT TRESPASS".

In this season, he's gotten better at fortifying them, and has started hiding them better, which is dangerous, because Dean's used to knowing where Sam's walls are from the spikes and flashing lights, and when something pops out from behind the walls he didn't see like Sam's new wish, it catches Dean flat-footed by smacking him in the face with how much Sam has changed.

Dean? Dean's walls are different. Dean's built up emotional walls to hide his fears and anxieties behind to be strong for his brother his whole life. They're set up behind a three-ring circus of distracting snark, lewdness and redirection to the job. Dean's walls are made of solid diamond. Transparent, translucent, but even so, impossible to see into clearly. Not hidden, not overt, just there, holding everything in, not drawing attention to themselves. Oh, and layered.

If Dean lets something go, lets a wall down deliberately, it's just a surface layer, and the giant invisible wall he isn't hiding is still there, with the circus ready to rush in and deflect people (especially Sam) from digging deeper than Dean wants them to go.

Thing is, this Hell thing, whether he really remembers or is deflecting Sam from digging deeper to find out exactly what he remembers or doesn't remember, is something he's walling not just from the world and Sam, but from himself. And he can't put the circus distraction between himself and his own walls, because he knows his distractions for what they are. So he's drinking, trying to hide from his own memories and what they mean, and... lying, still. I think. Lying but not lying. He remembers, and he can't tell Sam, but what happened and what Sam assumes happened could still be vastly divergent.

Anyway, that's sort of what I think. Needs more coherence.

No spoilers or references to promo material in comments please.

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Current Music: "The Wall" ~ Kansas

2 comments or Leave a comment
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 10th, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
No, I am definitely with you on that one. It is a wonder anything comes through the walls sometimes, isn't it? The problems with repression and misdirection--sigh.

caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: November 11th, 2008 07:48 am (UTC) (Link)
2 comments or Leave a comment