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Maybe I just should block off my kitchen for the sake of humanity. - CaffieneKittySpace
('i' before 'e' if you're looking for me)
caffienekitty
caffienekitty
Maybe I just should block off my kitchen for the sake of humanity.
Heh, you know, after the water boiling incident I should have left well enough alone.

How Not to Make Cookies

-Develop crazy unstoppable urge to bake cookies.

-Briefly look for recipe that matches cookie-possible contents of kitchen. Decide "Heck with it. I have a vague familiarity with the basic concepts of cookie-making, I'll IMPROVISE!" *cue ominous rumble of thunder*

-Don't have regular margarine, have spreadable. Don't have brown sugar, have white. Shrug and blend together 'about so much-ish'.

-Add vanilla. Meh. Add more vanilla. What the hell.

-Discover a nigh-complete lack of flour. Ponder for half a second before pointing to the sky and saying once again: "I'll IMPROVISE!!" *cue more thunder and maybe a teeny bit of evil laughter*

-Take pancake mix. Yes pancake mix. Add lots. Smoosh together with sugar and margarine. Too goopy. Add more pancake mix. And more pancake mix. Now too dry. Add water until substance approximates cookie dough consistency.

-Set oven for "Hot enough, but not hot enough to set off the smoke alarm. Maybe."

-Marvel at the actual-cookie-dough-like behavior of the mixture. Drop spoonfuls of dough on, um. 12" pizza pan covered in tinfoil. What?

-Make cookie globs small so the resulting cookies will be a smaller, reasonable size and also so there'll be enough to inflict on take in to work for everyone.

-Stick 16 small faux cookies into oven and set a timer for "I dunno, about that long-ish."

-Buzzer goes off, take results out of oven.

-Go, "Oh."


For lo, I have created...

GIANT AMOEBA COOKIE!!



*lightning flash and evil cackling*


OBSERVE AS GIANT AMOEBA COOKIE ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE (OR PERHAPS ENGULF) THE 12" WIDE PAN! FEAR THE GIANT AMOEBA COOKIE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


So... yeah. Also in the process of making this I may have had a wee bit too much sugar. *koff* Anyway. I'mma wait 'til the amoeba cookie cools, hope it's structurally non-goopy, bust it up and feed it to people at work tomorrow. Bwahaha!

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Current Mood: crazy crazy

30 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
july_july_july From: july_july_july Date: October 26th, 2009 03:59 am (UTC) (Link)
Don't cut it! Ice it and serve it as 'blondies'. Which is code for brownies without chocolate.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 26th, 2009 04:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Awesome idea, but since I have nothing I could ice it with and no icing sugar, I'd have to improvise again and I don't know if the world is ready for that...
lurkingwombat From: lurkingwombat Date: October 26th, 2009 05:15 am (UTC) (Link)

cookie

THAT'S GREAT!!! Have L, J and T here and they laughed at all of the above :) As did i :) Wanting to know how it tasted???
And you need powdered sugar?? Well, what you need to do is grind up the white sugar you have. Sprinkle some of the sugar on a cutting board and grab a rolling pin and grind up and the sprinkle on cookie :)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 26th, 2009 06:26 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: cookie

Wanting to know how it tasted???

Pretty much like solid sugar. It turned into 20 smaller angular cookie bits and I'm taking most of it to work tomorrow.

Sprinkle some of the sugar on a cutting board and grab a rolling pin and grind up and the sprinkle on cookie :)</>

See, that would require a rolling pin and a cutting board. Well, I've got a cutting board but it's cheap plastic and if I did find something to grind sugar with, it'd probably grind some of the cutting board up with it. Like Akane's carrots. :-P
astrothsknot From: astrothsknot Date: October 26th, 2009 08:18 am (UTC) (Link)
I love you honey, but should we ever meet -I'll cook.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 26th, 2009 03:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh thank you! XD
anniehow From: anniehow Date: October 26th, 2009 11:23 am (UTC) (Link)
Let us know the taste! THE TASTE, I DEMAND!!!!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 26th, 2009 03:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Solid sugar, pretty much. kind of crunchy. Like a biscotti gone horribly awry.
bubblesbrnaid From: bubblesbrnaid Date: October 26th, 2009 11:38 am (UTC) (Link)
Note to self: Should occasion ever arrive when all my friends meet up in one place, make sure that tenel and caffienekitty are locked out of the kitchen. :)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 26th, 2009 03:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
That would be safest I suspect.
ignescent From: ignescent Date: October 26th, 2009 12:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
You bake like I bake! :) Having done such things many many times, I'll say that I eventually /did/ learn to improvise successful and non-scary nummies. Also - if amoeba cookie is very very sweet, straight up cream cheese + cinnamon + a little tiny bit of normal sugar mixed in can be substituted for icing.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 26th, 2009 03:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
I shall remember that for next time. I've hacked it to bits already to take in to work.

I do occasionally cook things that aren't disastrous, I just don't post about them on LJ. XD
aescu From: aescu Date: October 26th, 2009 01:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love improvising and sometimes tell people to bring anything they want to my place so I'll make something edible out of it ;)

Once I made a cookie like that too - but on purpose. I served it in one piece and the looks people gave me were hilarous ;D
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 26th, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
I imagine it would make a good base for a "dessert pizza" with fruit and cream cheese on top, but that wasn't what I was aiming for.
halfshellvenus From: halfshellvenus Date: October 26th, 2009 05:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hahahahahahaha!

Best kitchen-disaster-story EVER! \o/

Yes pancake mix.

Oh, boy. With all the "rising ingredients" to just make things that much worse.

Briefly look for recipe that matches cookie-possible contents of kitchen.
I SO wish I could say I've never had cookie urges bad enough to consider embarking on this madness myself. :0

Now for the final question... how did it taste?
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 27th, 2009 12:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, boy. With all the "rising ingredients" to just make things that much worse.

I know. In retrospect I'm a bit surprised that it didn't expand so much it oozed right out of the pan entirely.

Now for the final question... how did it taste?

Pretty much like solid, crunchy sugar. People at work have eaten most of it now though, and no one's dropped dead yet.
samalander_dawn From: samalander_dawn Date: October 27th, 2009 03:04 am (UTC) (Link)
LOL! that's actually pretty cool....if a wee bit scary :) very appropriate for this time of year :D
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: October 27th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC) (Link)
Indeed!
eternal_chimera From: eternal_chimera Date: March 26th, 2010 11:41 am (UTC) (Link)

LOL!~ I might have to add you..

PLEASE dont block off your kitchen!

I need these kinds of posts!

I hope it tasted good. :)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 26th, 2010 02:41 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: LOL!~ I might have to add you..

You're welcome to, but most of my posts are fanfic and stuff about various TV shows, so I don't know if they'd interest you. If I have more kitchen disasters, I'll drop a link at the cookingfailures comm though. :-)

I hope it tasted good. :)

It tasted pretty much like solid sugar, or a biscotti gone horribly awry.
ageless_aislynn From: ageless_aislynn Date: August 17th, 2010 06:34 am (UTC) (Link)
I followed this from the link in "The Simple Joys of Home" and I started giggling in a sort of growing horror when the pancake mix came into play but by the time we got to the GIANT AMOEBA COOKIE (with pictures ♥! ), I was downright cackling! Ohhhhh, thank you so much for that, it totally made my night! \o/ ♥♥♥!!!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 17th, 2010 07:28 am (UTC) (Link)
It was a memorable incident indeed. :-)
raiining From: raiining Date: September 6th, 2010 01:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh god, I laughed so hard I cried.

YOU ARE A DANGER TO THE NATION.


Also: pancake batter?! What?!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: September 6th, 2010 06:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
YOU ARE A DANGER TO THE NATION.

Well, maybe just the province. If coastal BC is ever engulfed in a giant mutant cookie, you'll know who to blame.

Also: pancake batter?! What?!

I figured it was mostly flour, just with... other inconsequential stuff. I guess the stuff was less inconsequential than I thought! XD
noirrosaleen From: noirrosaleen Date: April 9th, 2012 01:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Got here via "Simple Joys". Clearly you and I need matching white lab coats and goggles for our kitchen adventures.

...I just made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies last night that somehow went a little toffee-ish...although didn't add the cayenne this time. 0.0

May I friend you? Our fandoms seem to be in fairly good alignment, and kitchen adventures amuse me.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: April 9th, 2012 05:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Brown sugar lumps in cookie batter turn into toffee lumps, I've found.

Friend if you'd like to, I don't tend to friend back often or right away, so please don't be hurt if I don't immediately friend back. :-)
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