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SPN Fanfic: Have It Your Way - CaffieneKittySpace
('i' before 'e' if you're looking for me)
caffienekitty
caffienekitty
SPN Fanfic: Have It Your Way
Title: Have It Your Way
Warnings/Rating: SPOILERS FOR 5.14, GEN, PG.

Word Count: 800-ish
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just for fun.
Characters: Castiel (and Jimmy, kind of)
Summary: Learning solely by observation does not always provide the best results.
A/N: Missing scene for 5.14 of which I'm sure there are several variations out there. Mildly crackish. Based roughly on something I did when I was five.



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Have It Your Way
by CaffieneKitty
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Castiel stood staring at the plastic clown head, wondering if he was doing something wrong. The clown head stared back, voiceless.

Jimmy's need for burgers was alarming. Castiel was unsure what it meant yet; he couldn't think clearly. If he could acquire hamburgers it would end this craving and allow him to think. He hoped.

The clown was still not speaking to him. The clown always spoke to Dean.

When the craving had come upon him, he'd analyzed the ways in which Dean and Sam acquired hamburgers. They went into small restaurants and bars, which took a minimum of ten minutes between stating a desire for a hamburger and the arrival of a hamburger, often much longer when including the time it took for someone to come and write down the request. Speaking to the clown meant a hamburger within less than two minutes. Clearly the clown had superior hamburger access.

Castiel reviewed what he had just thought and frowned at the concept that he desired anything, and that he was concerned with a period of time shorter than eternity. The passing thought that speaking to this clown might constitute idolatry also bothered him, but that concern and the additional thought that perhaps there was something about the hamburger acquisition process he was not interpreting correctly was being washed out by Jimmy's need.

He knew the clown was like the cellphone Dean had given him; it transmitted a voice from the people at the window nearby, but he was unsure of the purpose of such a short range transmission. Castiel presumed the intercession of the clown had some ritual significance. Speaking to the clown was the primary stage of expedient hamburger acquisition, and yet it would not speak to him.

A vehicle drove up to him and honked. The driver stuck his head out his window. "Hey, buddy! Get your ass outta the drive-thru lane!"

Castiel looked at the large man behind the wheel of the equally large vehicle. "I am waiting to speak to the clown."

The man's laugh was large as well. "Are you high?"

Castiel didn't answer and turned back to the clown. It's joyous expression had not changed while he had been distracted. It was an inanimate object though, and not meant to change over a short period of time. It only spoke and took orders.

The large man had retreated back into his vehicle and was conversing with the young woman in the passenger seat, who was laughing as well.

"Uh, hi," said the clown. "Can I help you?"

At last. "Yes. I require hamburgers."

"Um. You should really come inside if you want to order."

Castiel frowned. "This is the fastest manner of acquiring hamburgers I have observed. One speaks one's need for hamburgers to you, then one moves to the window and receives hamburgers. Is this not correct?"

"Well, yeah. I mean no. I uh... It's just usually people have a car when they go through the drive-thru."

Castiel stared at the clown. "Do you wish me to acquire a vehicle?"

"Uh... lemme ask the manager."

The clown fell silent. The strange empty feeling inside was growing, and Jimmy was miserable. Castiel looked back at the large laughing man and his female companion and wondered if he might borrow their vehicle to appease the clown.

This process didn't seem nearly as complicated when Dean and Sam did it.

The clown spoke again with a different voice. "Hi, sir. Are you feeling all right today?"

"I require hamburgers."

"We got lots of hamburgers, why don't you come on inside, we'll get you fixed up!"

"Dean does not go inside." Castiel frowned, frustrated at his inability to complete the basic ritual of accessing hamburgers via clown.

"Who's Dean?"

"Dean is my friend. He speaks to clowns and is given hamburgers at the window." Castiel thought there was something inaccurate about the statement and added, "Sam doesn't speak to clowns as often, but he is my friend too."

Something was still not right about the statement, but the physical demands his vessel was making were too much of a distraction to determine what.

The clown's voice became muffled. "...just a simple-minded..."

"I'm sorry," said Castiel to the clown. "I didn't hear what you said." Behind him, the man in the vehicle guffawed; the no-longer-laughing woman in the passenger seat slapped his shoulder.

The clown's voice had changed back to the earlier, lighter tone. "That's okay, sweetie. Do you have money for hamburgers?"

Castiel touched a flat plastic object in his pocket. "Dean gave me a card to use in case I need money." Dean had said it was for emergencies, but since the depth of Jimmy's craving for hamburgers was rendering Castiel unable to think, this constituted an emergency.

"Okay, sweetie, what can I get for you?"

Castiel tried to assess Jimmy's requirements and was met with a wave of blind howling want. He swallowed. "Five large hamburgers?"

"You sure about that?"

"Perhaps six?"

"...Are they all for you?"

"No," Castiel said, feeling Jimmy's misery. "I'm sharing them."

"Okay, honey, just come on down to the window, we'll get you some hamburgers."

Castiel turned and walked along the short lane toward the window. Behind him, the laughing man moved his vehicle up to speak with the clown.

Humans had some very strange rituals.

- - -
(that's all)

Tags: , , , ,
Current Mood: rushed rushed

23 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
innie_darling From: innie_darling Date: March 11th, 2010 05:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
Poor Cas! Though this had me rolling.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 06:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! It must have been horribly disorienting for him.
aescu From: aescu Date: March 11th, 2010 05:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
*rofl*
This never gets old ;D
I love your Castiel, he is always so spot-on ;)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 06:05 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! I don't write Castiel often, so I'm glad he turned out okay.
tigriswolf From: tigriswolf Date: March 11th, 2010 09:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, Castiel. I wish we'd gotten a scene like this in the show.

Also, this is the best:

"Dean is my friend. He speaks to clowns and is given hamburgers at the window." Castiel thought there was something inaccurate about the statement and added, "Sam doesn't speak to clowns as often, but he is my friend too."
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 06:34 am (UTC) (Link)
It probably would have tipped the crack to angst ratio of the episode way out of balance, but it would have been cute. :-)
ciaranbochna From: ciaranbochna Date: March 11th, 2010 10:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Clearly the clown had superior hamburger access."

Giggling like a complete fool here. Definitely Cas, oh yes.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 07:22 am (UTC) (Link)
It makes logical sense, it does. :-)
vikki From: vikki Date: March 11th, 2010 10:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
"No," Castiel said, feeling Jimmy's misery. "I'm sharing them."

Oh, this whole thing made me laugh, but my heart went out to Castiel (and Jimmy!) when Cas isn't sure how many burgers to buy, and this line. Oh, Cas! ILU POCKET ANGEL. ♥
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 07:26 am (UTC) (Link)
*snickers at your icon*

Thanks!
malevolent73 From: malevolent73 Date: March 12th, 2010 03:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Not sure if it's what you were going for but this made me so sad for Castiel. The need overriding his sense. And clarifying that Sam was his friend? Oye. Even the driveup person (thought it was a dude at first but the "sweetie" made me think lady) being so sweet to him like he was mentally handicapped was awwwwww inducing. *sigh* I think I just really miss Show. Alot. :)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 07:32 am (UTC) (Link)
I was thinking a late teen/early twenties girl for the drive-thru clerk. *nods*

Really, it had to be a very wrenching experience for both Castiel and Jimmy. Jimmy finding himself with this overpowering desperate need and no direct way to deal with it. Castiel, a being of energy essentially, finding his control being utterly over-ridden by something so physical and earthy as hunger. Very freaky.
rhoboat From: rhoboat Date: March 12th, 2010 04:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Awww! I laughed, but poor Cas!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 07:34 am (UTC) (Link)
Castiel really had a rough time in this episode.
lurkingwombat From: lurkingwombat Date: March 12th, 2010 04:52 am (UTC) (Link)
i so want to do this at Wendy's now!! I think i could pull this off. Heck, the Wendy's near me won't allow people walking up to their drive-thru window sort of due to a bunch of us who used to do just that.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 07:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Wendy's doesn't have a clown though. First you'd need to find a place that had a clown for a speaker, and I don't think there's any around here.
samalander_dawn From: samalander_dawn Date: March 12th, 2010 07:02 am (UTC) (Link)
Castiel presumed the intercession of the clown had some ritual significance. Speaking to the clown was the primary stage of expedient hamburger acquisition, and yet it would not speak to him.

I do love your Cas....especially here, well, especially throughout the whole thing :) he's just so sweet and clueless :)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 07:39 am (UTC) (Link)
I tried not to make him too clueless. He does see and understand things, and is very intelligent, it's just so much of human quirkiness is totally outside his range of experience, and his range of experience is not human. Also, Jimmy was screaming for hamburgers so his focus was rather shot.
samalander_dawn From: samalander_dawn Date: March 12th, 2010 08:12 am (UTC) (Link)
oh lordy no, it's not like he's bonehead clueless or anything, just....not quite sure of the connection clueless

which is just about exactly right :) especially with Jimmy yelling 'hamburger!' in his head :)
sams1ra From: sams1ra Date: March 12th, 2010 07:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Clearly the clown had superior hamburger access. LOL!
But poor Cas... *pets him*
That was a fun fic, thanks for sharing!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 07:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks!
irismay42 From: irismay42 Date: March 12th, 2010 06:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Sam doesn't speak to clowns as often, but he is my friend too."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did wonder whether Sam just avoids McDonalds...

That was fabulous! Poor Cas. *Pats Castiel on head*
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: March 12th, 2010 06:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
I figure that either pre-Stanford or sometime in season one, during the wee hours of the morning while Sam was dozing in the passenger seat, Dean would often pull up to a 24-hour clown-speaker so the thing was staring straight in through the driver's side window. Then he'd poke Sam awake. ;-D
23 comments or Leave a comment