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Cabin Pressure Fanfic: The Element of Surprise
Title: The Element of Surprise
Fandom: Cabin Pressure (Radio Plays)
Rating/Warnings: Gen, PG13 but contains one R-rated word right at the start, per the prompt. Radio Play script format (sort of). Formatting may go wonky in some layouts.
Word Count: 600-ish
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the world of Cabin Pressure.
A/N: Starting point from this prompt on the Cabin Pressure Comment fic meme, but it detours as it progresses. May incur random editing and tweaking later. [LJ-only]

Summary: Any meal of Arthur's involving the word "surprise" should be avoided.

The Element of Surprise
by CaffieneKitty


DOUGLAS: "What the-!"

MARTIN:"Arthur! What in blazes?"

ARTHUR:"Sorry, Skip. It's just dinner, but I thought shouting something from that TV show we watched last night would make it more exciting."

DOUGLAS: "Firstly Arthur, any meal you serve us is by default exciting."

ARTHUR:"Thanks Douglas!"

DOUGLAS: "Not the good kind of exciting."


DOUGLAS: "Secondly, no more HBO for you even if the hotel does offer it free, lest your mother decide to wash your mouth out with soap."

ARTHUR:"But she hasn't done that since I said that bad word that's mostly spelled like aunt but starts with a c."


ARTHUR:"Oh dear. Well, I won't say that thing I said earlier again then."

DOUGLAS: "An excellent idea. Now, dinner?"

ARTHUR:"Right! See I went down to the wharf this morning before we left and got some fresh seafood! I know you like sushi, Douglas, so I looked it up on the internet-"

MARTIN:"Oh god."

ARTHUR:"-and Tah dahhhh!"

MARTIN:"...is that.... no. I don't want to know."

DOUGLAS: "It looks... fascinating, Arthur."

ARTHUR:"Thank you!"

DOUGLAS: "Please, take us through your culinary process."


DOUGLAS: "Tell us what it is and what you did to it."

ARTHUR:"Oh. Well. Like I said, I looked it up online, so I knew what went into it. I had to get seaweed from off the beach. I did wash it but there might be some crunchy bits you need to pick out-"

MARTIN:"Oh, god."

ARTHUR:"And of course there's the seafood, and then there was rice which we had, but I could only get it to stick together with some leftover mayonnaise that I found in the back of the galley fridge-"

MARTIN:"Oh god."

ARTHUR:"And even then I couldn't get it to stay sushi shaped so I just sort of piled the rice and seaweed all up like that big pointy mountain in Japan. And then because sushi is raw, I just put the seafood on top! Tah dahh!"


DOUGLAS: "Ah. You say seafood, Arthur...."

ARTHUR:"Fresh as possible! They were just going out on the boats."

DOUGLAS: "Coming in off the boats surely?"

ARTHUR:"No, going out. They had all this fresh seafood they were taking with them onto the boats, which seemed really funny, because if they're going out to catch seafood, why take it with them?"

MARTIN:"That's a squid. A squid, Douglas. A tiny little squid. Ha ha. Climbing a rice and seaweed version of Mount Fuji. Ha ha ha. Oh god."

DOUGLAS: "I believe, Arthur, that the technical term for exceptionally fresh seafood fishermen take with them out to sea is 'live bait'."


MARTIN:"Oh god. It's bait. Our dinner is bait."

DOUGLAS: "Just fly the plane, Martin."

MARTIN:"Douglas, it's waving at me!"

DOUGLAS: "Fly the plane, I'll deal with it. Come with me, Arthur, and bring that with you."

ARTHUR:"I messed up, didn't I?"

DOUGLAS: "Well, I think we're going to have to dispose of your attempt at sushi, though I actually do appreciate the gesture. However, I'm certain that aside from the cogent facts that dinner is composed of live bait and seaweed with bits of sand and flotsam in it, that mayonnaise has been in the fridge since the previous Captain left."

ARTHUR:"But it's been in the fridge! Everything lasts forever in the fridge!"

DOUGLAS: "No Arthur, it really doesn't. Let's put dinner out of its misery."

ARTHUR: "All right. I wanted to make something special though!"

DOUGLAS: "It is indeed special. Just not edible."

ARTHUR:"I can't seem to get the hang of that part of cooking. The edible part. I thought sushi would be easier because it's raw!"

DOUGLAS: "Not to worry, Arthur. It takes proper sushi chefs years of training to get the hang of it. For a complete beginner you... didn't kill anyone."


DOUGLAS: "Now, after the last culinary incident, I laid by a stash of Garibaldis, Pot Noodles and Frazzles in the aft cabin bulkhead for the recurrence of such an occasion."

ARTHUR:"Ooo! I can do Pot Noodles!"

DOUGLAS: "Indeed, and that's why they are chief among the emergency supplies, because I have absolute faith in your ability to pour hot water into a cup."

ARTHUR:"Thank you, Douglas! I'm flattered!"

DOUGLAS: "You really shouldn't be, but you're welcome regardless."

- - -
(that's all)

Tags: , , , , ,
Current Mood: nervous nervous

22 comments or Leave a comment
shadowfireflame From: shadowfireflame Date: August 19th, 2012 07:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Let's put dinner out of its misery.

What a wonderfully Douglas thing to say.

Hee, I also love Martin repeatedly saying, “Oh, god.” It just conveys the, um, horror of the situation so well. Glad Douglas is prepared for such incidents!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 19th, 2012 08:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks! When confronted with a dinner like that, "Oh god" seemed to be the most versatile response. XD
From: splonders Date: August 19th, 2012 07:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Poor Arthur! He does his creative best on limited resources,and that's all the thanks he gets!
Thanks for a hearty laugh this early!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 19th, 2012 08:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
He does try, poor lamb. :-)
From: mildly_neurotic Date: August 19th, 2012 08:17 am (UTC) (Link)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 19th, 2012 08:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
space_oddity_75 From: space_oddity_75 Date: August 19th, 2012 09:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Hahaha, this was hilarious! I could totally see it as part of an actual episode: everyone was in character and there were too many funny lines to count. Well done! More when you can, please. :)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 19th, 2012 08:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I just posted another thing, rare for me to be this productive. More will happen as life, time and inspiration allow.
eanor From: eanor Date: August 19th, 2012 10:29 am (UTC) (Link)
Haha, that was great fun! :-D You got the character voices spot-on and the whole fic was a truly hilarious read. ^^ It's hard to choose a favourite line, but mine has to be:

"Douglas, it's waving at me!" XD

Thanks for sharing! :-)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 19th, 2012 08:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! I'm very glad you liked it!
aelfgyfu_mead From: aelfgyfu_mead Date: August 19th, 2012 05:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Absolutely horrifying. I share Martin's reaction to dinner.

The great thing about Arthur is that he never stays down for long, so we don't have to worry about him feeling terrible guilt about this little . . . mishap. Martin may not feel up to eating even pot noodle after this, however.

Thank goodness for Douglas calmly taking charge!
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 19th, 2012 08:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Pot noodle might be a little too... tentacley for Martin just now, yeah. Luckily there are other options available.
ciaranbochna From: ciaranbochna Date: August 19th, 2012 06:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Even without listening to it yet, I still laughed my ass off. Well done:)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 19th, 2012 08:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Glad you gave it a chance! For reference, Martin is the character voiced by Benedict.
ciaranbochna From: ciaranbochna Date: August 20th, 2012 02:00 am (UTC) (Link)
I remember that from the first CP fic you posted;) Off to comment on the next one!
lizvogel From: lizvogel Date: August 20th, 2012 02:41 pm (UTC) (Link)

I have absolute faith in your ability to pour hot water into a cup.

Although I fear Douglas may be giving Arthur more benefit of the doubt than is entirely wise... ;-)
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 20th, 2012 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was thinking Douglas might be being dangerously charitable in saying that, but Arthur does manage coffee every flight, so there is some basis for the statement.
lizvogel From: lizvogel Date: August 20th, 2012 06:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good point. (Though I shudder to think what might happen if Arthur were introduced to the concept of flavored coffee!)
jbs_teeth From: jbs_teeth Date: August 20th, 2012 06:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hee-hi-larious. And so dangerous. There should be some kind of fandom warning for graphic imagery of food violence. Im still shuddering (partly because I ate a mountain of sushi myself yesterday).
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 21st, 2012 03:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Sorry about the food squick! Your sushi will be perfectly safe though, as long as Arthur Shappey wasn't the one who made it.
chess_ka From: chess_ka Date: August 23rd, 2012 06:22 pm (UTC) (Link)

Perfect character voices with some fantastic turns of phrase. I'm particularly fond of "everything lasts forever in the fridge". Such an Arthurish thing to believe ^^

Poor Douglas - his attempts to have some sushi will be forever fruitless.
caffienekitty From: caffienekitty Date: August 24th, 2012 05:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! :-)
22 comments or Leave a comment