HOW TO THAW A TURKEY ON THE INTERNET
-Buy tiny turkey. Examine fridge, figure that there doesn't appear to be enough space to set a turkey in there to thaw and not enough time to cook it tonight anyway. Put turkey in freezer figuring on thawing and cooking it tomorrow.
-Get distracted putting away groceries and doing other things. Have vague recollection of turkeys taking days to thaw in the bathtub when growing up. Think this one probably won't take that long since it's small, but figure I should get an idea of the time anyway. Pull turkey out of freezer to read thawing instructions. Do math and discover that even this small turkey will take about 30 hours to thaw in a fridge. Boggle. Figure there must be a faster way I can thaw it tomorrow....
-Go boot up computer and Google "thawing turkey". Poke around for a while for something that doesn't involve ice water immersion or cramming an entire turkey into a microwave. Get on Youtube looking at turkey videos. Get sidetracked on Youtube. Find self watching a video of a guy playing QWOP badly. Go 'wait, what am I doing? I was doing something else...'
-Check Google News. Quietly cheer for Idaho and North Carolina. Find self reading an article about guy trading a piece of real estate for an iPhone 6. Go 'wait, what am I doing? I was doing something else...'
-Check Livejournal Friends list. Leave comments, respond to comments. Check other regular internet checking locations. Find self doing same three site loop waiting for something to change. Go 'wait, what am I doing? I was doing something else...'
-Check charge level on recharging phone. Play audio segments of "The Walk" that I didn't get a chance to listen to while walking. Lament that New Character is a pale imitation of Old Character who is gone for spoilery reasons. Snicker at current ludicrous plot situation. Call NPC character a dumbass. Google to find out what the heck a 'peperami' is when it's mentioned by a character. Go 'wait, what am I doing? I was doing something else...'
-Open email. Get stressed about work again. Close email, determined to get mind off work. Start watching Mission Impossible 3 (which I haven't seen before and consider brain-numbing explodey-fluff) at 1.25 speed (because I have other things I really should be doing and if I'm not taking notes for a reaction post the only noticeable difference to me is it takes less time to watch. Just numbing brain now, so speed goes up). Marvel at how much Simon Pegg has changed since the movie was filmed. Call nearly all of the primary characters idiots at one point or another for tactical stupidity. Go 'ooo!' at the cool exploding things. Make sympathetic noises at characters who are obviously doomed cannon fodder. Become rather impressed by Phillip Seymour Hoffman's performance, and half-way through the movie recall he died somewhat recently. Look up news articles about him. Go 'wait, what am I doing? I was doing something else...'
-Go back to watching movie. Something nagging. Note that a red wine stain on a character's white shirt looks nothing like a real red wine stain or anything related to a grape. Think about grapes. Think about grapes in the fridge. Think about the fridge not having enough space to thaw the turkey in.
-Go 'Wait... What did I do with that turkey?'
-Go into kitchen. Find turkey still on counter nearly two hours later. Turkey has a barely perceptible amount of give to the surface and otherwise appears mostly still frozen. Recall big huge cautions in turkey thawing info online about bacteria. Quickly re-Tetris the contents of the fridge, find a cake pan that barely extends beyond turkey for turkey to thaw in, wedge turkey into fridge and shut door firmly.
-Note grapes wouldn't fit back in fridge. Eat grapes.
-NEXT: Wait about 28 hours, then cook the hell out of the turkey. (Which means I'll start cooking it at abouuut... 1 AM Sunday. Urk.)
TLDR; If I get salmonella, blame Google and Ethan Hunt.
Oh, and I also forgot to put the laundry in the dryer. Terrific.